The other night at work I was bored and on the internet. I had googled a quote to find out where it came from, and I just stumbled onto this blog. It's called Maybe If You Just Relax . . . Adventures in Infertility and Moron Management. I don't recommend it to anyone who has not had the pleasure of dealing with infertility, but we here at our house think it is hilarious. It's written by a girl that is going on three years of being infertile, and is doing in-vitro. She's bitter, and she's quite the potty mouth but she is able to put into words all the things we have felt and thought over the last several years as we have dealt with our infertility.
The thing is, while we can relate in many ways to this girl's situation, our situation is also very different. We have never done the in-vitro thing, and our infertility isn't as big a deal as it used to be because we have been blessed with Aiden. Before Aiden, when we were just infertile and childless we had all those feelings and emotions circling around inside us, and they snuck out every chance they could.
I used to feel like I was punched in the stomach any time a pregnancy, or birth was announced. My eyes welled up, and I got a huge lump in my throat every time I saw cute girls walking around with their cute pregnant bellies, and when we passed maternity clothing stores with all their cuteness. I used to cry almost every night wishing for a miracle that somehow, even though the doctors said in our case it was an impossibility, we would get pregnant because I so wanted to have that baby in my belly and to feel it move around. I can't even tell you how much I wanted to have that big belly and to wear the maternity clothes and waddle like every pregnant woman is supposed to.
We started the adoption process pretty fast after we found out we couldn't have kids, but I kind of dragged my heels through most of the paperwork because, and I wouldn't tell anybody this at the time, I didn't love the idea of being the parent of somebody else's baby. That was how I saw it back then, as I knew basically nothing about adoption. I didn't tell anyone that though, because I wanted a baby and a family.
Now, if I could go back and change anything, if I could snap my fingers and get myself pregnant and erase all those those hurt feelings, all that bitterness, there's no way in the world that I would. I can't even stand to think about our life without Aiden, or Aiden's life without us. He is our son, I have never once though of him as another woman's child that we are raising. I love him more than I can express and even though I would love to have more kids, I would have a completely happy life with just him. I never ever thought I would say this, but I am so grateful for our infertility. In some ways. It still hurts sometimes, and it's still a trial and will be for quite some time, but now I believe that we will be blessed further than we ever could have been if not for our infertility.
11 comments:
Oh what a cute little family you guys are! This post brought tears to my eyes because of your struggles. I can tell how much you love Aiden- I can see it in both of your eyes when I see you look at him. I am happy that you all found each other.
You are living proof that when God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. Blessing are poured out on those who endure in faith.
I wish I could express in words the feelings in my heart at this very moment. As Mother's Day approaches each year, I really think about those special women in my life and what they mean to me. I love Jill more than she will ever realize. I have watched you and Kenny grow closer in your relationship with each other and support each other through the who emtional affect of the infertility thing. I remember being very angry and thinking how unfair it is that some people can't "give birth". I remember the day that it hit me very hard realizing that not "just anyone" can have a GREATER LOVE. That is what Kenny and Jill have. Heavenly Father knows what great people you are. How greatful we are to be some of Aiden's granparents. He is such a blessing in all our lives. How greatful I am to have Kenny as my son and Jill as my "daughter."
I can definitely relate to that as Rory and I struggled with infertility ourselves. I don't know how many pregnancy tests I bought hoping one would be positive! We are now blessed with two beautiful children. It's amazing how they change your lives. Aiden is lucky he found you. Your lives will be greatly blessed
Ohh...Jill you made me tear up. That is so sweet. I understand the feeling of wanting to wear maternity clothes and envying women and their cute little bellies. You'd think with all the maternity clothes I own (sad to say...Goodwill baby) I may have some sort of sickness. (Most women don't crave or envy maternity clothes-I'm crazy). Oh and I finished the 3rd book...yes you do have to read them and then you won't do anything but think and dream about them! Aaah-so great!
You are a strong little family to deal with the trial that you were handed. But I just love Aiden I live for his hugs when I see you and I admire you both so much. You are wonderful parents and I wanted to wish you a happy mothers day.
Thank you so much for writing this post so well. I found your blog through Angie Witt. I work with her. My DH and I also have gone through infertility and have just come to be able to laugh about our infertility. Recently we have been blessed to be matched with our Birth Mother. Our little boy is due to come into our lives August 21st. Again Thank you for writing such an inspiring post.
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